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  1. #861
    Senior Member phelonius's Avatar
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    Hey, the rules say no politics, not even the stuff that's true.
    Ken and Smitty Blackstone like this.
    Phelonius

  2. #862
    Senior Member GaryL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenhtr View Post
    You can't get any more accurate than this!
    This is straight forward country thinking.
    by Jeff Foxworthy

    Which side of the fence?

    If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

    If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
    If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

    If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
    If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

    If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
    If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

    If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
    If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him.

    If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
    A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down.

    If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
    A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

    If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
    If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

    If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
    A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended."
    I got this a few days ago in an email from a friend and thought about posting it here. Figured I would get hammered for stirring the pot which I am subject to do from time to time so I did not post it. Thanks GH!

    GaryL
    Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

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  3. #863
    Senior Member SHAG's Avatar
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    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said "fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her "Colonel Sanders".
    Go like hell, You'll get there quicker!
    05-BMW1200GS- Rock Red 102k miles
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  5. #864
    Senior Member JerseyJeeper's Avatar
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    That was funny shag!

  6. #865
    Ken
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    I like that one too. PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

  7. #866
    Senior Member SHAG's Avatar
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the Night!"

    She said "Aye, did you now. And what was your toast?"

    John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary"

    She said "Aye, he told me and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep"
    Go like hell, You'll get there quicker!
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  8. #867
    Mel
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    Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory, and both were laid off.
    So... dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.

    Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."

    The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor.

    She gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

    Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".

    The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter, and it was classified as a skilled job.

    So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

    When Ole found this out, he was furious!

    He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

    The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

    "Vat skill? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties.
    Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER".

    (If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not Swede or from Minnesota !...too bad!)

  9. #868
    Senior Member SHAG's Avatar
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    A Baptist bookie was at the races playing the ponies and
    losing his shirt.

    He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the
    forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
    Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto
    the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

    The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed
    a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another
    long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings,
    and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would
    bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.

    As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses,
    and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated.
    He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
    and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell
    him which horse to bet on.

    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for
    the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that
    was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears,
    and hooves of the old nag.

    The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he
    had on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old
    nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
    In a state of shock, he went to the track area where
    the Priest was standing.

    Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened?
    All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in
    the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a
    chance.

    Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"
    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
    “You aren't Catholic are you my son?" "No, I'm Not.'.
    That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell
    the difference between a blessing and last rites."
    Ken, buellzebub, admiral and 2 others like this.
    Go like hell, You'll get there quicker!
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  10. #869
    Senior Member methamphetasaur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SHAG View Post
    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her "Colonel Sanders".
    not a military colonel...

  11. #870
    Senior Member Hoot Gibson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by methamphetasaur View Post
    not a military colonel...
    "Meth"? That's My Guess....
    goldenhtr likes this.
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